An Elephant in the Room!

My closed adoption welcomed an elephant into the room! When an adoption is closed, the identities of the mother and baby are sealed away from each other and from the parents who adopt the baby. My mom and dad knew nothing about my mother nor the circumstances of my birth. They knew nothing about my father. I was told that my mother and father were not married and therefore they could not keep me.

Cue the elephant! (I truly love elephants—I am only using this metaphor because it helps to explain the consequences of a closed adoption.) In my closed adoption, the elephant in the room was the secrecy of all identities. No one in the adoption triangle, not the infant, birthparents, nor adoptive parents had the right to each others’ identifying information.

As an adult, I was told by the adoption agency that my records were sealed, I had a new life, and I should accept the fact that the files would never be opened. In fact, it was against the law for the agency to give me identifying  information from my file. I was an adult adoptee, no longer a relinquished infant, and I was asking for my original identity. This was against the law!

The elephant in the room caused great anguish. In addition to my original identity, my parents and I never talked about genetic traits. We pretended that my adoption did not exist. If the adoption had been open, who knows? I might have known my birthparents before I reached adulthood. Imagine, I might not have had to search at all!

In my early 30s, I decided it was time—time to confront the forces of the closed adoption laws and learn about my birthparents and my heritage. I discovered my fierce determination and curiosity to find answers. My search was off and on over the years, but I never gave up!

One of my handmade greeting cards.

Leave a Reply



lcroglia

2 years ago

Bonnie, I am so very proud of you! I know your adoptive parents were too, and I am certain your birthparents would have been also. You are very special!!

bonnieparsons8472

2 years ago

Thank you, my dear friend 💝

Norma

2 years ago

So eager to read your book, Bonnie! It is truly a labor of love and a treasure for your family. Congratulations!

bonnieparsons8472

2 years ago

Thanks, Norma–I still have the very kind note you wrote after my first journal in 1988!

Mitzi (Peppard) Ross

2 years ago

I am so happy for you, Bonnie, that you chose to pursue your birth parents, and have now written about it. I look forward to reading your complete story. It is clear already that you have an engaging style of writing! Wishing you all the best.

bonnieparsons8472

2 years ago

Thanks so much, Mitzi! I appreciate your thoughtful and supportive comments.

“there is no one like YOU”

You’re Here–Welcome!

My name is Bonnie. My parents adopted me when I was 8 months old. I’ve written a memoir about my life and the difficult search for my original identity. After 35 years, I have my answers!
I hope my story is an inspiration for you or someone you know who is searching for their birth parents and family ancestry.

Which came first–the chicken or the egg? Or in my case–the book or the blog?

Good question!  The book came first. My blog has the same name as the book. Each blog post tells you something about me. By nature, a memoir is personal. My persistence to find answers to my identity and write a memoir was a soul-searching, personal journey. It’s sad at times, but often fun and joyful.

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